Dear men in Miami,
As a relatively decent-looking woman, I want to give you some tips to improve your game.
First, if you are roughly twice my age, or if El Capitan and I can add our ages together and get yours, then chances are, neither of us are interested. Sorry, but just sayin'. With that in mind, if you drop extra-large shirts into both of our laps and then wander aloud about us wearing them, that's pretty weird and creepy.
Secondly, do not tell me you do not drink when you are clearly slurring your words. I do not believe you. Especially if you repeat the same thing over and over and over again. You are clearly drunk. Face it.
Now, if you happen to observe that there are two girls, sitting with two guys, one of which is the ragin' cajun (my roommate) and the other is Lefty, and the two girls are clearly not interested in talking to the dirty old man, do not think this is your opportunity to move in. And if you do, please do not tell me not to talk to one of my guy friends because he's a different race. The line, "I'm sure he is a nice guy, but imagine what your children would go through, and what their hair would look like," is stupid and ignorant. Do not assume that I am a racist who is afraid of people from other cultures simply because I have white skin. And do not follow this line up by talking about your children and asking me to tie a cherry stem. That's trashy.
Also, if I claim to get up and go to the bathroom TWICE in a 10 minute period, I'm not drunk, I just don't want to talk to you.
I hope this helps your game.
P.S. - I am officially never going to a bar without El Hombre again. Freakshows abound!